Baby 1st Year Lessons Learned

First year mommyhood is hard. We all know that, but not many people talk about it. I’ve read so much about the baby’s first year needs and development, that I didn’t realize how important my own needs were to my family’s overall well-being – Because if you’re not well, taking care of a newborn / homelife / worklife (heck, everything) is just that much harder.

So here are 3 of the most important lessons I have learned the hard way:

1. Don’t do chores during the baby’s nap / sleep / quiet time. (I’m not saying to skip them, just don’t do them at this time.)
2. Be mindful of postpartum anxiety.
3. Battle that postpartum insomnia early.

Lesson 1: Don’t do chores during the baby’s nap / sleep / quiet time. This is actually not just the first year tip – It’s especially important if the kid is older. Their rest time is your precious minutes to recharge and get your sanity back before restarting the whole feed/play/nap(/+pump) routing all over again. I was never one who could just skip the chores – Kitchen full of dirty dishes and piles of laundry on the floor only stresses me out more, but one key thing I’ve learned to help me stay sane is to do the chores when the baby/kid is around. (I used to wear my baby while mopping/vacuuming the floor - My machines are pretty quiet - and my boy was fascinated by it and also loved the walking/rocking motion.) This is particularly helpful if your kid is in the toddler years, because it: 

(a) Let the kids understand what it takes to upkeep a house, and ease them into the chore world when they’re older. Even though it probably takes you longer to do it with them there, you can turn laundry into a fun activity together (my 8 months old would mimic me throwing laundry into the washer, or wipe the floor with a rag). I firmly believe this helps tone down the entitlement attitude we’re seeing everywhere as well. They can learn early on that if you want something done, do it yourself. No one is going to hand it to you on a silver platter.

(b) Let your husband step it up. If he can help with cooking/dishes/laundry, great!  If not, let him watch the kid for an hour or so after work, or even half day on weekends, so you can get the chores done. You guys are partners in the household afterall, which includes keeping up the house plus taking care of the kid, so it’s not all on you. I think sometimes, men don’t understand that watching kids + upkeep the house can wind up being an 18-hour on/off/on-call job, even after the baby can sleep through the night (basically 24 hours minus your sleep time right). He works 8-10 hour days? Pssst, he can easily pick up a couple of hours of overtime at home so you can finally eat that meal in peace, or take the kid to the park on Saturdays so you can run an errand by yourself. You don’t HAVE to multi-task everything. If you find yourself building resentment watching your husband napping on weekends, or lounging on the sofa after work, while you’re slaving away with tidying, it’s time to rebalance the duties.

(c) You need to mentally recharge even if you’re not physically tired.  Taking care of a kid is exhausting, no joke. If you’re not physically tired, this is a great time to do something engaging / rewarding so that you’re refreshed and ready to take on the next shift. I’m used to working long, 12-14 hour days in the financial services industry, so I thought I’d be ready to take on the challenge of a baby. Let’s just say I actually felt more rested after I went back to work and sent my kid to the daycare. Busy season is a piece of cake compared to getting through the first year.

Lesson 2: Just because you don’t have postpartum depression, doesn’t mean you don’t have postpartum anxiety. Everyone talks about postpartum depression in the days after labor, from your family, to OB, to pediatrician. But sadly enough, no one talks about postpartum anxiety. (Does no one care about the mom as long as she is not a threat to the baby?) My doctor even chalk it off as, oh, all first time moms are a bit anxious. You know your body best. If you’re noticing mood swings, or trouble sleeping (big red flag), it’s time to look into it. Just because you’re not suicidal, it doesn’t mean you’re well. Even if you’re not seeking professional help, just being aware of what is happening, asking your spouse for more support, and taking the time to understand your body and what soothes you, helps. I never used to take baths (thought it was a waste of time & water), but after trying it, I realized a relaxing lavender scented bath helped me take the edge off and sleep better at night. So we worked out a routine where I would get a night off every few weeks and enjoy a cup of tea + favorite Netflix in the bath while my husband watches the kid after dinner. My mood went back to pre-mommy days after we wean off breastfeeding & corrected my insomnia (below), so yes, it will get better, but in the meantime, figure out what makes you feel better to get through it.

Lesson 3: Don’t let midnight waking turn into postpartum insomnia turn into chronic insomnia. Anxiety (above) can easily create sleep issues. The problem is, the longer it takes for you to correct it, the more likely it is going to turn into chronic insomnia. My boy was over 1.5 years old before I was finally able to sleep more like my pre-baby days, and it took every ounce of my strength to correct my insomnia behaviorally without relying on sleeping aids. So once your baby can sleep through the night, make sure you prioritize your own sleep. I used to get up at 3 am with the urge to empty my bladder, and then staying awake for the rest of the time. So I’m not joking when I said I had to potty train myself. Starting with holding it for 30 min longer, which then pushed my night waking to 3:30 am (after a week or so), then to 4 am, then to 5 am, and finally 6-7 am. It took a month or two, and it really sucked, because I’ve had the habitual waking for so long.  So the sooner you seek help and work on correcting it, the easier it will be. I found out (too late) that OBs even advise/prescribe breastfeeding-safe sleeping aids. You don’t want to over-rely on it, but it can help prevent bad sleeping habits from sticking in the beginning. A few tools that helped me correct my insomnia:

1. Ear plugs. Seriously, these are life-savers. I used to wake at the slightest sound from the baby monitor (and babies are noisy sleepers). Ear plugs help, and don’t worry, you’ll still be able to hear the actual cry.
2. Bluelight blocking glasses. If you like to unwind at night watching TV or reading on the iPad, these definitely help you fall asleep easier. I didn’t realize what a difference it made until I tried it. It helped me feel sleepy earlier and fall asleep faster.
3. Turn down the thermostat. Did you know that we tend to sleep better in cooler temperatures? Making sure the bedroom is cool is also key. I realized when I was battling insomnia, every little thing (sound / temperature change / husband rollover) would wake me up. So try to take out as many of those distractors as possible, even if you need to get your husband to sleep in a different room for a few months while you sleep train yourself.
4. Rooibos tea. This is antioxidant rich health tea with anti-inflammatory properties, great for overall health in general. However, I found that it also helped relax and soothe my nagging mind and pretty quickly, became part of my evening routine. The only problem is that it would counter my hard bladder training work, so drink it at least a couple of hours before bed.
5. Melatonin. I don’t like relying on medicine, so this is the last resort. If I find myself staying awake or having a hard time falling asleep 2 nights in a row, I would take it to prevent the 3rd, and usually that’s enough to re-correct my sleep pattern. 
6. This article I found (during one of my many midnight Internet surfing, researching what the hell was wrong with me), really helped. If nothing else, it lets you know, YOU’RE NOT ALONE AND IT IS NOT UNUSUAL. https://expectingscience.com/2018/09/04/how-i-overcame-postpartum-insomnia

Goodluck mommies!